TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
