I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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