I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
