i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
