I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
