I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
