3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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