Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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