every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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