I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize