The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
