Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
