my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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