The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
