The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
