my phone needs a breathalizer
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
