if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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