at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
