come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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