I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
