Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
