Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
