Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
