She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize