you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
