I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
