definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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