Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just had sex on a roof
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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