How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize