He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
