nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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