worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
