Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
