I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
