I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize