Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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