I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
