She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
