I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize