This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
