Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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