Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
