she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
