Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
