Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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