So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
