So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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