this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
