I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
