farters have to be the big spoon...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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