I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think my fart just growled at me.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
