Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
