3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
