actually, I'm a sock model
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
