Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
